Sam walked over to his bike. The sun was starting to warm up the day as the morning began it’s ending.
He knew he had to get home before 2 pm, mostly to avoid arousing the suspicion of his parents. But he still allowed his mind to wander over to the night before.

Maybe he should call her…maybe he should message her later today.

She was cool…she respected him and he knew he respected her.
So he should probably message…it was the decent thing to do.

He leaned over his seat and set down his orange juice.
He could smell the sausage and egg McMuffin even without opening the bag.
An extra hash brown and some OJ to wash it down…not bad for a Sunday, mid-morning meal.

He propped up his sunnies and dug in, halving the hash brown and sliding it into an opened McMuffin.
His cure for any kind of morning was a McDonalds breakfast…but he knew he had to make the most of it before heading back home.
Looking out the car park in front of him, he munched on.
It had taken him a while to be comfortable being single.
And It wasn’t like he didn’t have bad days.
But even he had to admit that most days weren’t horrible at all.

For the brief moments that he thought about her, he knew that it would take time before he could be whole again. In many ways, he thought he wasn’t getting better…but the truth is he didn’t know if he was getting worse either.
His sister’s words echoed in his brain as he remembered the conversation both his siblings had with him after it had happened.
His brother was staring at him, arms folded, an exasperated look on his face. His sister’s face, still plastered with worry, demanding he not lock them out like she thought he would.

Sam had come back home from a week away looking like a different human. Smelling like cigar smoke and slipping into the house, like a thief in the night. Even he knew he didn’t look ok. But it would take anyone time to adjust back after being away.
It didn’t take long for them to notice a big difference.
Besides the lingering tobacco smell, he hadn’t said a word.

Whilst trying to edge away from family suspicion he was caught by his sister and dragged from his bedroom to have a conversation.
In hindsight it was probably a good idea…they were worried and it wasn’t fair. They shouldn’t have been punished for what had happened to him.
Sam slurped down his juice as he looked up at the clouds above him.
They slowly floated by like white candy floss…he could tell he was tired because they started to look way too comfortable.

He dug back into the last of McMuffin and reached into the brown bag for his extra hashbrown.
Sam thought about what his sister had said.
To take his time and that if he needed them, that he should just ask…but to never just runoff. They had to cover for him, and it annoyed both of them…he could tell. His parents were mild about the situation. He had told them that he had jetted off with the boys and hadn’t bothered to give them any other kind of information.

Sam knew he left them all worried…but he was irked by how little he cared.

But the more he thought about them, the more he realised that they were right.
They were good to him…they all were.

But he needed time to himself.
He needed time to just be alone.
Why did it seem so suffocating when anyone asked him anything.
Why was he secretly so agitated all the time?
He finished off the last of his food and swallowed some OJ.
Something didn’t feel right…like he was wrong. Like he was a bad guy.

Sam dropped the cup to his side and slumped his bed.

Why after all this time…did he still feel like a piece of shit?
He should’ve been happy.

Some time away, cleaning himself up, meeting a new girl, having a great night, enjoying a Maccas breakfast.
These were all supposed to help him feel good

But why did he still feel shit…

Sam looked up at the clouds and exhaled. The sun streamed through his sunnies as he closed his eyes.

His sister, his brother…his whole family. They knew that he wasn’t ok, but he had convinced himself that everything was fine.
That his cheating ex didn’t bother him. That he was perfectly fine living the life he was right now. That the time away was to a break rather than an escape from his real world.

As he opened his eyes, Sam knew what bothered him.
In his head, He claimed to have all the answers. He had emptied useless affirmations to make his family and friends feel better.
But in the end, they were right…they were right the whole time.

Sam knew he was the last person to realise that he was not ok.