My cousin celebrated his 10th birthday recently…

Boy does time fly by.

I remember the first I heard of his existence, all those years ago.

I was 13, just started high school, and was barely getting by…mostly struggling to figure out studying, sports and all that added pressure that comes with high school. There was so much that had to be done, so much more time to spend working hard and the idea of getting older and trying to figure out year 7 math seemed to be taking its toll.
For a minute and not for the last time, life got daunting, and I couldn’t help but feel a little overwhelmed.

But I remember the exact moment.
I was laying in bed, reading “The Boy In the Striped Pyjamas”. A somewhat morbid tale, especially when you think about the news I was about to receive. My mum opened my door, with a big smile on her face.
The home phone was in her hand which had fallen from her ear to her shoulder.
Barely holding her face together from smiling, she told me how my aunt was pregnant and that our family was about to get a little bigger. My response was, in hindsight, not that profound, nor was it anything notable, but regardless it was something I don’t think I’ll ever forget.
“I’m going to have a cousin…”

She watched me smile and turned off the light as I put my book down, turned my body over and brought the covers up to my chin. My eyes began to shut as my response rang through my own head with a smile that didn’t seem to leave my face.

For years I was one of the youngest. I was every bit of trouble my family couldn’t handle and I remember all too often, feeling a little misplaced. But finally, I was going to have someone who I could imprint on.
To carry, to feed, to be a role model to and to equally be a bad influence on. Although the responsibility seemed high, I found something to smile about and things didn’t seem to be so dreadful.

Time went by so quickly though…Nine months passed by and he was here.

He was so fucking cute. He had light brown skin and big brown eyes, his ears stuck out just like mine did, and his hair was just as curly. He had curiosity, a whole lot of character and had so much imagination. He was constantly in his own world, and he often wanted us to be a part of it. His terrible twos made it difficult to express himself, but in time he used his cleverness to bring us onto his level.

The best part was that he loved all the same stuff I loved. Animals, climbing trees, punching things, Pokemon and females… I can’t tell you how many times I caught his gaze travel over to a bunch of girls in a restaurant or at a park.

For the first time in my life, I felt like there was to see me in something else.

When his brother came along, it was round two.
He’s devilish, clever and won’t shut up.
Now more than ever I know what its like to have a twin. I don’t just see it, it’s more like I’m living things over and over again. Eating at the dinner table as a family on Easter, watching them blow out candles on their birthdays, and see how awkwardly they trudge around with oversized school bags in light blue uniforms. It’s almost like looking at a sped up version of a photo album…and its hard not to mistake their faces for mine.

In reality, It’s a blessing and a curse.
While they’ll both grow up with whatever makes them unique and special, they’ll also grow up with little bits of Nickin aswell, the good and the bad, and in all honesty, I can’t help but worry.

As time passes I realise more and more of my own hardships that must be overcome. Life gets harder as you get older, I guess most people know that already. Things aren’t easy, and so much more affects you. The worst is seeing it in others, more than seeing it in yourself, especially the ones you care about. That doesn’t ring truer than for both of them.

While they glow in whatever triumphs they fulfil, they both struggle to express themselves at times. They’re abrasive and loud, not to mention somewhat alone. And now I’m seeing them face the same struggles I did.

When I sit down with them and watch TV, read a book or try and teach the youngest to say yellow properly, I remember the difficulties of being a kid… I remember how hard it was for me.

Inevitably, when they face a difficult situation in life, they’ll look to someone for help, someone with the same experiences and the supposed know-how to get through whatever it is they’re struggling with.
A role model.
And the older I get, the more I realise that that person is most likely going to be me.
The worst part of knowing you’re a role model is knowing how much you’ve messed up. All the exams you failed, all the goals you missed in soccer, all the times you’ve been rejected by girls and every other horrible moment that everyone else reminds you more of.

Regardless of all of that, there are still going to be people who look up to you.

One of my biggest fears is leaving behind a legacy of negativity, and until I have children of my own, my story will be told by my family and friends, particularly those two cousins that I share so much with. Although somewhat vain, it’s a reality that most people face in their lives. The crappy part is knowing that they, like so many others, will remember your faults as much as your triumphs.

But from the outside looking in, it looks like they need me,   however in reality, I need them. Not just for the vanity of my story being told…but also because if I can’t live my best life for myself, I sure as hell should try for those who mean the most. I owe them that.

In times of strife, you turn to friends and family. At rock bottom, that’s all you have, and the thought of disappointing them, the thought of them seeing nothing more than failure is way more daunting than working hard, getting older or any kind of math.
Because if there is anything in this world worth living up to, it’s to those who we share so much with. Family or friend, its what keeps us wanting to do more. I often write about how our lives are this big story for the world, and I believe that. Our words and actions are not just apart of who we are, but what others see…more importantly, its how the people we care about see’s us.