On Mondays at 9:30 my dad sits down on the couch and turns on the TV. He switches the channel to the ABC and watches Q and A. For as long as I can remember he’s always done this. It’s part of the reason why he became a more freethinking and open-minded person. The format of the show allows viewers to see different perspectives on different topics, something most conservative people aren’t used to. But for some reason my dad was drawn to this, mostly because etched into his character is the need and thirst for knowledge.

At first, it was maths, science and other academic subjects that got him into and through an engineering degree. Now his want for knowledge branches out into the world of society and politics. Which, coincidently, is the world in which I chose to study for three years at University.

My dad is the smartest guy I know. It’s not just because he aced school and started up a small business in a foreign country…but because no matter how good he was at anything, he was always willing to learn more.
A student of life.

When I see him, I see a man who beat the odds…. I see a farm boy who skipped a grade because he was too smart for the kids around him.

I see a guy who was top 3 in his graduating class…a class that consisted of hundreds of students in one of the most competitive and intense engineering schools in the country.

I see a young man who chose to leave a lower-middle-class life in the mountains of Kerala, to two different countries that he knew nothing about.

I see a family man who chose to risk it all, using nothing but his brain and his skill to create a small business that is now full of his blood, sweat and tears.

And now I see an older man living in a world that doesn’t seem to be enough…instead, he waits until my mum and I are in bed before he turns on the TV to learn more about the society that surrounds him.

 

 

Last Monday I went downstairs to grab a drink before calling it a night. And just like every other Monday, he was watching Q and A. I happened to catch that weeks discussion.

It was a spirited debate on the importance of teaching indigenous history in the school system. On the panel were a bunch of high school kids who were all talking freely, expressing their thoughts of whether or not it should be highlighted more or less in class. I smiled for a second as I remembered my time in school. How at one stage I dreaded the long arduous hour or so we would spend on history, talking about Terra Nullis and Captain Cook’s discovery of Australia in 1770.

In my naivety, I never thought my dad would be keenly interested in topics like this, but as I looked down at him sitting on the couch, a glass of wine in his hand and his legs stretched out on the coffee table in front of him, I saw a small smile on his face.

It was a weird topic to be happy about…I didn’t think he was a stranger to the importance of Indigenous culture to Australian society, especially since he was the one that encouraged me to look more into it when I would complain about it in school. But I quickly realised that he wasn’t smiling at the topic…he was smiling at the kids.

Their well thought out words seemed to cling to him. Students of the world that seemed to be proud of the school colours they wore on their chests and the intelligence they used to discuss the topics at hand. Dad saw himself in them. Something he was happy about… and something that I envied.

 

You see, every son in some way tries to be like his father. They spend their whole lives trying to emulate them in some way. Whether that be at work, their family lives or mannerisms that they notice from a very young age. And when they look at others the way you want them to look at you, whether that be pride or joy, you start to feel a little envious.

For me, I’ve always tried to be as clever and wise as my dad always has been. It’s something I always struggled with…something that I’m insecure about to this very day.
I never really excelled at school…I was good but never great and for the most part, I felt average.

It stings, writing that about myself. If my mother heard or saw me speak of myself in such a way, she would aggressively scold me, as most mothers would.

 

 

For the record, this isn’t the first time I’ve ever felt like this. My mother and father like many Indian parents constantly told me to look at the other kids my age in our community. To observe how they worked and how well they did. A constant comparison that was supposed to energise my competitive nature.
Unfortunately for me, it seemed to do the opposite.
Because those kids seemed to be so much like my father, I Instead shifted towards being better like my dad as opposed to being better for myself. In my head I had somehow calculated the idea that if I could be more like him, I would be better than everyone else. An idea that for the most part, crippled my own self-growth and goals. And thus manifested the feelings of jealousy and mediocrity.

When you start to want to be other people, you quickly forget what you’re all about as well, especially when it’s to please or match someone you treasure and revere. Our whole lives are supposed to be this incredible individual artwork about ourselves…something we can fondly recall when we’re old and grey. But when you compare and compete constantly, you’re left with the constant feeling of turmoil and anxiety of never being good enough. Something that can kill your unique spark that no one else can ignite.

 

 
The truth is the no one really ends up exactly like anyone they try to be. And to my parent’s credit, they never really expected me to be like anyone else anyway… especially my dad. I don’t think he hates who I’ve become… I don’t even think he sees me as a disappointment. But I think he and I both know that I will never end up like him.

Theodore Roosevelt said that comparison is the thief of joy. This is true whether it’s to the students that you see on TV, the other kids in your community or the man you’ve spent your whole life trying to be. When you try and attain what they are, you end up sad, frustrated and jealous of how lack lustred you see yourself as. Sometimes its best to just let it be, to try and just be the best version of ourselves…but in this world where we are constantly compared to one another both by ourselves and by other people, where we are taught to compete or get left behind, its hard not to be disappointed in ourselves.