I got asked by a friend to talk about happiness.
I told him that I would try my best to find something I’ve written in the past to help my train of thought and flesh something out.
And I have nothing.

I racked my brain for hours over things that have made me happy. Things I strived towards and goals that I have accomplished. But in reality all of those things were temporary and they all became dead ends.
I came to the conclusion that like most times in my life, I didn’t know shit.

I don’t know how to be happy. I don’t know the recipe or the procedure…and I definitely couldn’t tell you what you can do to be happy or find happiness.

So trying to unearth whatever it is that makes me happy ironically made me feel a little sad.
Not because I didn’t think that I’ll ever be truly happy, but more so in realising that you can never ALWAYS be so.

In recent posts, I’ve been a bit of a Debbie Downer, but to be honest, the more I hear from the people that read my blog and connect with what I have to say, the more I think that this is what I should share.
So naturally being asked about something so positive and bright made me feel a little lost.
But even after putting my thinking cap on, I couldn’t really put my finger on it.
I don’t really keep note of all the times I felt joy or happiness. I fondly recall different occasions from time to time, but in truth, I couldn’t tell you how or why that moment made me feel good.

Take my brother’s wedding for example. The mix of different situations we were in shouldn’t calculate to an incredible and joyful experience. WE’re not that close, the preparations beforehand were exhausting and stressful and I had an enormous amount of responsibilities before, during and after the ceremony.

There was definitely a weird concoction of good and bad but for some reason, standing on the steps inside a beautiful church, next to his best man, listening to him recite his vows…I was happy.

Looking out at the 250 guests that filled a hall for our reception, and being painfully reminded that I would be next, even though I’m still sadly single was another moment where I felt some mixed emotions but still…I was happy.

Don’t get me wrong, every experience were all somewhat positive …and recalling such memories of that day brings me great joy…but I couldn’t tell you why.

Maybe it was because My brother was moving forward in his life.
Maybe it was seeing all my friends and family in one room together for the first time in years.
Maybe it was seeing my parent’s proud faces…or maybe it was when I saw how handsome I looked when I caught my reflection in the window at the reception after my 7th Gin and tonic.

My point, if anything, is that happiness can’t always be pinpointed. It’s not something you can just manufacture and it certainly isn’t containable. You can relive it through memories but in reality, you’ll never feel that same way again. That’s what makes those unique moments great.

But what I loved about reflecting over all these times was this one common and underlying factor…and that was the people I love.

My happiest moments are with the people I deeply care about, it’s the moments I share with them on so many different occasions. From sitting in a circle, drinking, laughing and talking shit at my house after my 21st birthday party… to laying next to my dog, Roman, on a warm spring afternoon, scratching his head and pleasantly wondering how my best friend ended up being an animal as opposed to an actual human being.

All these moments involved the people that mattered most to me. So yes money, success and fancy events may make you feel accomplished or might bring you joy, but I think unless there are awesome people that you can share it with, I really don’t know and don’t think it will ever make you happy.

Things change so quickly and you can go from being surrounded by the greatest people in the greatest situation, to being alone in your room forcing yourself to be positive.

That’s when those happy moments are critical and needed. Not to be tortured by but to be reminded of how good life can get.

I’m not saying that being alone or by yourself is something that shouldn’t be positive, God knows how many times I’ve found solace in moments to myself…but when I’m on my deathbed, hopefully, many years from now…I want to be surrounded by the people that matter most, not because they are friends or family, but because I want to remember one last time how beautiful and happy I was with them.

So maybe that’s the answer…maybe happiness comes from our interactions and moments we share with the people we care about. Or maybe it isn’t. I can’t know for sure…like I said before, I don’t know shit.