I don’t have all the answers. Everything I’ve ever experienced isn’t a solution to a specific problem…it’s just a suggestion for whats to come.
I think I figured that out the last time I got my heart broken. It’s a cold feeling when you realise that the world around you can change so quickly and for the worst. But its an even worse feeling when you’re not prepared for whatever comes after.
Sometimes there are no blessings or silver linings and all you’re left with is this punishing feeling that has to be made into a lesson.

Maybe its all because of people…maybe each individual makes decisions that they are oblivious to and don’t understand the full extent of anything they may do.
As a young man, women often seem like the biggest culprits for this. You forget that they are human and that some are good and some are bad, just like everyone else. But when you live your life thinking that you’ve done everything in your power to be the right man you and everyone else wanted you to be, it becomes a hard pill to swallow when you get humiliated for showing some heart.

Now, in my mind, I think of everyone as being volatile and random just because you can never really count on anything staying the same.

I think what I’m trying to say is that we’re all unconventional and unpredictable.
Everyone is different and hard to read. Society is a never-ending puzzle where the pieces barely fit together.
I know that’s why I take things so hard. I’m emotional and in constant flux, just like everyone else. It sucks when you want something and you try your utmost to care for it, but it just doesn’t work out. You do what you can, with whatever power you have to keep it safe, to make sure it feels love, compassion, warmth and kindness. But instantly it can become your biggest nightmare. It can make you feel lost and alone. It can tear your heart apart.

Now, being older, I see heartbreak as that and more.

It’s like when someone steals your bike.

I was 13 when my bike first got stolen. I loaned it to this kid up the road from where I lived. A friend of mine told me not to trust him and, in a way, he was right. I got the bike back, but he took these fancy silver caps I had on both of my tyres.

I confronted him about it but he denied it.
I then tried to do everything I could to make sure nothing would happen to my bike again. I kept it safe, I didn’t let anyone borrow it unless I knew and trusted them fully and I did my best to take care of it, to make sure that the value of it would never diminish.

I fucking loved that bike.

So when it went missing out of nowhere, I was devastated.
I stupidly left it on my driveway, leaned up against my gate in plain sight. The next day it was gone…just like that.
I left it alone and unprotected for one night and it was taken from me.
I didn’t realise it was actually stolen until I saw this stupid, skinny, weasel looking, blonde kid roll passed my street, with handlebars that had the same unique silver spray-painted-look that mine had.

The worst part of it was that I let him go. I just watched as he raced up the road, not a care in the world.

 

He took what was mine. He took something I truly loved..and now looking back on it, I felt like I just gave it away.
I felt like I had let it slip through my fingers.

My mum told me not to blame myself, that there was not much more I could do but be more careful next time. But in truth, I hated myself for ages…all because of a bike.

Girls aren’t like bikes though. They aren’t objects you can own or just look after and expect to be there when you want.
I want to make that clear.

But heartbreak is like losing your bike.
When you love something or someone and when you care for it or them…losing it can change you entirely.
People say you value someone more when they’re gone… but I think, more often than not, it makes you angry and sad. Not with the person but more with yourself. You wish you could’ve been better sooner, you wish that you could turn back time, rectify your mistakes and try again.
Maybe that could’ve made all the difference.

One of the things I’ve learnt is how out of control I actually am. That realisation that I can’t go back in time and that none of us can, even if we wanted to.
There are no do-overs or repeats and you cant change anyone else’s actions either. That was, is and always will be their own decision, whether they choose to own it or not is up to them.

No matter how much pain you articulate to them, it will never change how much they feel and more importantly, how you feel. It may make it worse or it may make it better, but the bottom line is that you will never be able to change what was. Not how you felt and not how it affected you.

I guess there is no other option but to become stronger. To, as I said before, turn that punishment and pain into a lesson. To learn and to grow because after all, when a seed grows into a plant, it has to battle the elements before it becomes a tree that bears fruit.

That’s life.

 

Sometimes everything works out, but that doesn’t mean it won’t suck….it doesn’t mean it’ll be easy. It doesn’t mean that you or I will get what we want, what we cared for…or even what we needed.

And it sure as hell doesn’t mean I’m ever getting my bike back.