Marlon Brando once said that to be a great actor, one must be a great observer. I believe the same is true for writing, and so observing the rest of the world became a good excuse for me to fade off a little in an effort to feel better about myself and my work.

You see, I got anxiety after I graduated. I didn’t like the person I saw in the mirror.
My response was to at least try & get better, and lesson one was to rebuild. Both physically and mentally.

It was a tough task but regardless; I tried my best to figure it out, and after a while, I came to the conclusion that getting better meant being active in every facet of life.

I think that’s why I love working out so much. It stopped me from feeling lazy; It gave me a regimen and made me feel disciplined. It gave me goals and the progress, through hard work, could be seen. I got fitter & stronger and for the first time in a long time, there was an aspect of my life which I was actually healthy in.

But, and I know how meat headed this sounds, the gains I was making in the gym, were not the same as the gains I needed to be making throughout the rest of my life. Yes, working out gave me a new drive and a reason to get up in the morning, but as the months passed, I became solely focused on it. University work was beginning to come second and I realised that I wasn’t as focused as I thought.

So I tried something new. I tried to find different things that made me feel the same level of satisfaction. And that’s why I’m here today writing this.

I realised that when you engage the mind creatively, you open yourself up to different possibilities. You become aware of not only the world around you but everything you were and are yet to become as a person.

I always loved reading. The characters I idolised growing up had the greatest stories from all different kinds of books. Their worlds became that of which I longed to live in.
Alex Rider, The Baudelaire Siblings and of course Harry Potter.

And so naturally, writing became my next passion.

I finally found a home in two things that have now become a massive part of who I am. But it took so long and cost me too much to realise it.

You see the first few years of me putting on weight and getting bigger came with an inflow of constant comments on how much I had physically changed.

I was no longer this skinny, brown boy with annoyingly thick hair, and as much as I loved the compliments, I couldn’t help but feel like I was building a muscular wall around myself.

I didn’t want the world anymore.
I didn’t care for it.

I decided to hide in a room full of weights and observe the rest of the society instead of living in it. I figured out how stupid this was and I realised the reality of my situation.

For so long, people were saying how much I had gained….but only I knew what I had lost.

My focus was gone, or more accurately, my focus was shifted. I obsessed with how I looked. Silly things like if my arms were big enough or if the clothes I wore fit my body perfectly. I would constantly be looking in the mirror and disliking what I saw, constantly criticising my hair and face.

There wasn’t a part of me that I had liked, and there wasn’t a part of me that I hadn’t hated on. I had done more damage to myself than the world had ever done. But I didn’t come to realise it until sometime later.
By that time I had lost the simple day to day skills and characteristics which were once described as “Classic Nickin”.

Things like basic social interactions with people.

I spent so much time secluded and “observing” that I had forgotten how to interact. I stopped talking and started to neglect things like school, books, friends and family. Things that I had once held so dear to me. I was no longer bright, brash and educated but quiet and reserved, the thing’s that no one in the history of my existence had described me as before. This isn’t me, but it became who I was, and upon realising how severe things had gotten, I had to make a change.

Recreating, rebuilding…whatever it is you want to call it, all came down to making improvements everywhere. The details in not only how you look, but how you act and how you approach things are what ultimately leads to better self-progress.

The little things, like waking up earlier, not for the gym but just for life in general, gave me a kickstart to my day.
Sitting and talking to my mum and dad at dinner instead of escaping to the study with my food to watch movies and tv shows.
Engaging conversation with new people and pushing myself to interact with colleagues every day at work to edge me forward, professionally.
All these little things that I had changed in my day to day living were what allowed me to rebuild a solid foundation, one that wasn’t prone to self-esteem issues or external negativity.

Ensuring that we keep a high standard in all aspects of our lives also ensures a better outcome for ourselves, not only in the present but also the future.
Every day, every week, every month and every year that passes by, we as human being’s and members of society should always be open to seek new ways to become better. Understanding that greatness in life is in no way an easy feat, is the best way to also understanding that working on not only your professional but also your personal, emotional and physical life is essential.

Even though that may sound hard and as much as there might be sacrifices that are to be made, we should always at least try to maintain a well-rounded product that we call our lives.