Bane is one of my favourite comic book and movie villains of all time. It was hard to follow the brilliance of the Joker in “The Dark Knight”, but for some reason I always found that there was always something to be said for the ferocity that Bane showed.

 

Ferocity, I love that word…sufficed to say that’s not how I would’ve described who I used to be at all. A skinny, awkward Indian boy’s dream was to approach everything like Bane did, and was also  one that seemed far out of reach… even to this day it’s hard to sit here and pretend that I’m all that, especially when so many of you think at how villainous being like that can make someone become.

My main focus when I graduated high school was to make sure that no one would ever screw with me ever again. My solution to make this happen was to get big. Very big.

 

I worked hard to make myself be as intimidating as possible, I started to take more and more risks and shrug off anything and everything in an effort to be tough. I think that’s why I suffered so much, I just didn’t care how things affected me and rather than slowly going away, it stacked up and the weight of it all started to chip me away bit by bit.

 

Still, I maintained a tough mindset and decided to fix whatever was killing me, and surely, just like I did before, I promised myself that that was the last time I would ever be walked over, not just by other people, but everything else… depression, anxiety and the expectations that everyone else held me to.

 

I failed. Again.

I don’t know why, I don’t know how it happened, but I found myself one night underneath a cold shower trying to figure out why I felt so shit about myself. I loved who I had become, a big, brown, loveable beefcake. I was much tougher, much more motivated and no longer a whiny bitch for so long.

And then as quick as lightning, without a second to really be happy, I was back to being weak again. I didn’t know what it was and I still don’t know.

 

I found comfort in friends and family, but I realised that despite everything, I has dulled down, worn out and once again afraid. I secluded myself as a way to cope and to this day the exhaustion of trying to fight everything at once took over.

 

 

 

I figured it out. I was being a bitch. This whole time. I was letting other people get the better of me again. It constantly amazes me the power they can have to make you feel smaller than you actually are.

 

 

 

You see, some people don’t actually care…at all. We are selfish…from the moment we are born, we cry. We don’t know what else to do. And in most mammals our dependency on our mothers and fathers are how we survive. That doesn’t change at all. We grow and move on, and yes our dependency on our parents move on, but not to sole independence, but instead, onto someone or something else. It’s a fact. We feed off relationships with other people and that’s how we actually grow. As confronting as that is, it’s the truth. And yes we can grow by being alone, but truly…how much more do we grow when we have others around us. Whether it be for better or for worse, we are all selfish in that aspect.

But that shouldn’t bring you down.

 

I loved thinking I was as tough as Bane. I probably wasn’t, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t be. To be that way, you can’t just be physically strong; it’s about digging deep and standing your ground. It’s about matching your mindset with your presence. People should know who you are when you walk into a room, not by name, but by your aura.

 

It was funny, because despite my obsession with Bane, it was the lesson that Batman learnt that I recognised. And my mate Dominic Asuncion would always remind me of it.

In school I would always complain about how bad I did in an exam, or how I would fail at everything. He chose to always look me dead in the eye, and whether he was joking or not, recite the same thing that Alfred would say to Bruce Wayne whenever he screwed up.

 

“Why do we fall Nickin? …So we can learn to pick ourselves back up”.

 

Dom never gave up on me, so why should I give up on myself. And even though the dark sometimes kills the light, a lot of growing and a lot of strength can be found in the worst of times.