I think I’m done trying to conform to societies notion that to be manly I have to be big. I”m done hiding behind a mass of unnecessary supplements and wasting money on things I don’t actually need. being healthy was my choice and my choice alone, but my insecurities got in the way and it became an unhealthy way of me to not communicate how I feel or what i was actually thinking. Its taken over my life. My identity has become the gym and I’m more than disappointed….I’m scared that thats all its ever going to be. Do I really want to be a husband and a father to my future wife and kids that constantly has to go to the gym. I think that despite everything else I lost the one underlying piece of me that made me happy in the first place. I love to active and healthy. I didn’t like being skinny and weak so I became bigger and stronger, and thats ok. But when I constantly obsessed over stupid details that don’t matter i discovered that despite what anyone else though I would never be satisfied. But I convinced myself that any bad thought I had towards myself was all because of Society. That I wouldn’t be able to have a girlfriend or a wife because I wasn’t physically perfect, that no-one would respect me if i was skinny and weak or that I felt like a failure because I had nothing else to be proud of besides my body.

I thought those things because I thought they were true. I still somewhat think that thats true. Ive lived a life of nothing but physical attainment for the past two years because I though I was never good enough. It’s depressing and sad but its how it was. I am not a bitch. I know when I’m wrong, but whether i believe that or not is part of me growing. And thats when the decision has to be made. I am not going to be a professional bodybuilder, I’ve never wanted that. But I love working out and keeping healthy because it runs to my core. So I am choosing to do what is right by me and live my life the way I want to. Not because a bunch of girls want me to have a good body and not because it garners the respect from little boys who don’t have a clue about anything. The only respect i’ve ever needed is that of the other guys in there working their assess off to be the best they can, from the other people who can watch me be true to the person I want to be.

I’m done with my body image problems because I know I look good. I’m done because thats not who I am and it is definitely not who any one else is. So many people are killing themselves just to fit in. No, fuck that,  no-one deserves to live in a constant state of sadness because they’ll never know if they’re going to fit in. I want to be healthy, the whole way through…and that means knowing that I am solid and so are you.

 

Rant over.